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Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is
conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
deluded Frogo-philes the world over to label the period as the
height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved
every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the
English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de
Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare;
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no
match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role
of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday
night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved
by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's
like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel
Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take
to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and
produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the
French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent
history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts
to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in
a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long
until France collapses?"
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